Behind the quest to build a full-scale Millennium Falcon.

[I don't usually crosspost my other writing to this blog, but this interview was too interesting not to share.]

Behind the quest to build a full-scale Millennium Falcon.

Here’s one to cheer up your inner 8-year-old: In the next few years, you may be able to visit a real-life Millennium Falcon.

Since 2005, Chris Lee’s Full Scale Falcon project has been one of those Internet curiosities that seems so epically ambitious that you can’t quite believe it’s actually real. Well, it is. All 114 feet of it, currently waiting to be assembled in a field just outside of Nashville, Tenn.

Although when we say “a field”, what we actually mean is, “This guy bought 88 acres of land for the express purpose of building a full-scale replica of the most iconic ship in Star Wars.” [READ MORE]

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Teen Wolf: "Unleashed".

Previously on Teen Wolf: "Fireflies".

This was a great episode for Teen Realism. First, we open with a 27-year-old high school senior wandering down a dark alley --  always a good idea in Beacon Hills. The positive outcome of his brutal murder is that we now know the druidic serial killer is small enough to hide under a dumpster. I'm thinking were-puppy? Later, we move on to a truly beautiful combination of actual Teen Realism (ie, the sense of complete impotence one feels when teachers and adults have complete control over your life), and high school scenes written from the perspective of someone who may not have ever been in an actual real-life high school.

Yes, Murder Suspect Derek Hale was wandering around on school property again. Yes, someone was able to drive a motorcycle through the hallway during school hours without anyone noticing. Yes, two guys ripped off their shirts and turned into a 7-foot-tall Alpha Twin Megazord at like 5pm on a school day -- leaving their shirts and schoolbags behind when they left. No, nobody bothered to keep the crowd of kids away from the corpse on the running track until the Sheriff showed up, an absolute minimum of fifteen minutes later. Shhhhh. As always: Just go with it.
At the beginning of this episode, I was all aboard the Derek Hale/Jennifer Blake express. Could they get any cuter?? Also, Derek Hale is made for the role of Tall Dark Handsome Stranger. However, by the end I was ready to go round to Ms Blake's house, offer her some ladylike brunch food, and carefully explain to her that she should definitely never date Derek Hale. EVER.

TeenWolf.tumblr.com

Oddly enough, everything I said about Derek and Ms Blake last week still holds true. Derek clearly cares about her wellbeing, and she is the only "good thing" that's happened to him in recent memory. Also, their interactions are very reminiscent of classic supernatural romance tropes -- ie, a mysterious sexy stranger rescues the girl from attack, and introduces her to a world of weirdness and danger. Buffy/Angel, Edward/Bella... you get the picture. The difference is that this time, we're seeing it from the guy's perspective, so everything seems wayyyy more creepy. When you only ever see this type of romance from the girl's perspective, it seems romantic because the guy is nice and mysterious and heroic (hello, Angel), and his ~dark and scary background~ is just that: background. But in Teen Wolf, we get to see all the scary, terrible bullshit Derek Hale does during the 99% of the time when he isn't with Ms Blake.
Derek Hale is the most fucked-up character in a show full of massively fucked-up characters. He's a killer, he lost his virginity to a woman who murdered his entire family, and until recently he lived in a burned-out subway car. Ms Blake is the only person who reacts to him in a remotely positive manner, so it's totally understandable that he wants to spend more time with her. Too bad he's the living definition of a Bad News Boyfriend.

If their relationship progresses, I expect there'll be a scene where he says something like, "You should stay away from me. I'm dangerous". This is a classic of the supernatural/Mysterious Bad Boy trope, and the girl almost always sticks by him and ends up in a troubled but exciting ~romance. From Ms Blake's perspective, Derek is the hot guy who saved her life and then flirted with her over English Literature. But we know that Derek is a dangerous basket case who has no friends and no job, and just spent the afternoon being turned into a werewolf kebab by an evil gang of roided-up mass murderers. STAY AWAY, MS BLAKE. JUST STAY AWAY.
I appreciate the way Teen Wolf is completely explicit about the cycle of violence between the main characters. It's very obvious that Derek has had a tragic, terrible life, but that rather than being the romantic saviour he wants to be (with Ms Blake in particular), he's a total disaster zone. And he totally spreads it around. He acts like an asshole towards Isaac, who in turn acts like an asshole towards pretty much everyone -- not that you can blame him. Although if anything, Derek's interactions with Cora are the worst -- not to mention the most nonsensical aspect of this week's episode. Teen Wolf is usually excellent at introducing new characters, so why was Cora's introduction such a mess??

There's no explanation as to how Cora got from being a wild animal to hanging out in Derek's house, and both characters' emotional reactions make no sense at all. Yeah, I'd understand if Cora was angry with Derek, but they've been separated for years! There should be WAY more emotional depth to their interactions than Cora doing angry push-ups while Derek acts as if they've just had a minor argument. I can't even tell if she wants to be doing push-ups or if Derek is making her do them because that's how he deals with his own man-pain. Cora doesn't need to do push-ups, Derek! She needs therapy! You both need therapy! I'm split 50/50 between thinking this was just a really poorly-written scene, and thinking that it's another example of Derek being deeply terrible at human interaction.
This week on Isaac Lahey Personality Roulette: crazy murderer Isaac is back! Yes, let's go kill those two new highschool juniors, Isaac. What a good plan. Just kill everyone! On the bright side, his erratic behaviour made a lot more sense in this episode, because his history as an abuse survivor got a lot more screentime. Plus, we got to see the whole grim cycle-of-violence thing with Derek throwing a glass at him at the end -- even if Derek may have been doing it on purpose, to "protect him". What the hell, Derek! You make terrible choices.
So far, the druidic serial killer plotline is edging up to medium levels of ridiculousness. On the one hand, it is so very, very real for Stiles to question a murder victim's girlfriend about her boyfriend's virginity status. On the other hand, Beacon Hills' body count is fast approaching Sunnydale levels of death and destruction. Usually, when a school student dies then everyone at least has to go to a school  assembly or visit the guidance counsellor or something. But in Beacon Hills, kids (and teachers) are dropping like flies and everyone is just like, "Welp, I guess these things just happen sometimes." Remember last year, when every single person in the Sheriff's Office was brutally murdered? No, nobody in Beacon Hills does either.

In Lydia news, Holland Roden is really good at making me freak out over her character's safety. Why can't people pay more attention to her? Why is she constantly surrounded by corpses? EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. Although I'm rather enjoying the way this show deals with the huge cast and ridiculously overactive web of subplots. In Gossip Girl they used to solve this problem by retconning everything at the end of each episode (Chuck tried to rape Jenny when she was like 14? Pffft, forgotten.) but in Teen Wolf they are at least trying. Rather than actively witholding information from Lydia, Scott and Stiles literally just forgot to tell her that there were two psychotic Alpha werewolves in their school. And Boyd is careful to remind us that he and Stiles are not friends, no matter how much fanfic you've read where all the werewolves are one big happy family.

Also, is Lydia trapped in some kind of time vortex? Hear me out, here. As far as I can tell, most of this week's episode took place during a single school day. Scott and Isaac had at least two showdowns with the Alpha Twins, one of which was after school hours because Isaac and Allison were in detention together. But while they were in detention, Lydia was in music class? And then Isaac and Scott took a shower (??) and subsequently had another showdown in the hallway, at which point the Alpha Twins ripped off their shirts and skedaddled with Deucalian? Which may or may not have happened at the same time as Deaton showing up on school grounds to look at the music room with Stiles and Lydia? I just don't know any more. But the school was definitely deserted enough for Professor Snape Mr Harris to be kidnapped from his desk. And for no one to walk in on a random blind guy slashing the faces of two shirtless teenage boys right in front of a bunch of classrooms.

[Edited to add: apparently it's lunchtime detention? PROBLEM SOLVED. One of the problems, anyway.] 

Miscellaneous

• STILES/DANNY, YESSSSSS. Perfect scene.
• This week on Teen Wolf Knows What It's Doing: "Scott McCall holding a puppy." (Last week it was "Scott McCall saves two little kids from scary doom in a forest". Teen Wolf Knows What It's Doing.)
• SNOODWATCH 2013: Isaac has discarded his stylish scarf for a comfy knit sweater. What a cutie patootie. Except when he's threatening to murder someone.
• I loved that Ms Blake was realistically nervous over the fact that Derek Hale is so stunningly handsome your eyeballs have to attune to a different frequency in order to look him directly in the eye. Yes, he's kind of scary and you were right to pick up some kind of weapon when he, you know, followed you into your workplace with no prior warning. But also, he's so beautiful it's like ~~staring into the sun.
• Glad to see (or hear) the return of Teen Wolf's dubstep action sequences. That cross-country running scene has got to be the most dramatic high school gym class in human history.
• Does Beacon Hills High School recruit teachers from beauty pageants? Ms Blake looks like a model from a yogurt ad, Ms Morrell is such a babe that a girl in her class swivelled her head around like an owl to stare at her beauty, and even Professor Snape Mr Harris seems to have got cuter over summer break.
• Deucalian's accent makes it sound like Kali's name is Kylie. For some reason I find this hilarious.
• Cora = Dawn Summers.
• Druids, LOL. "Gaelic" = Irish, by the way, so I assume that you're talking about Irish druids. Although really, we have no reliable historical evidence about druids at all, because all the sources from the period are heavily influenced by Roman propoganda. 
• If Chris Argent is Ser Jorah, then Deucalion is Jaime Lannister.
• Yes, there was an actual moment in this weeks episode when a character roared "I!! AM!! THE DEMON WOLF!!" so dramatically that his sunglasses smashed, revealing the glowing red eyes beneath. While thunder and lightning crashed in the background. That happened.
• When Jeff Davis does his weekly Q&A on the Teen Wolf Tumblr next Sunday, can someone please ask him what happens to the twins' pants when they morph together into the superwolf megabeast??

Previous Teen Wolf posts.

Find me on Twitter @hello_tailor, and Tumblr at hellotailor.

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Teen Wolf: "Fireflies".

Previously on Teen Wolf: Chaos Rising.

This episode was mostly about people running around and doing unnecessary backflips, but was still highly enjoyable because Morgan Leigh and I were briefly in the same country, meaning I got to watch it with her! True Internet Friendship is when you're happy to meet someone from Twitter at the house of a complete stranger in order to watch a show about teen werewolves at 9.30am on a Tuesday.

Anyhow, in lieu of a "real" "review", you're going to get an itemized list of all the things that were super-awesome about this week's Teen Wolf. Because let's face it: at least 50% of this episode was slow-motion shots of people snarling at each through pointy dentures. (The other 50% was Isaac Lahey's snood.)

1. Chris Argent
The third participant in Teen Wolf brunch was my friend Jackie, who had never seen the show before and was thoroughly confused by the entire experience. Morgan and I tried to explain things (Scott is a Teen Wolf. Shirts vanish for no reason, all the time. And Dylan O'Brien deserves to win 30 EGOTs for having beautifully expressive eyelashes.) but in the end we just gave up, because Teen Wolf is too sublime for explanations. Jackie just had to interpret things for herself. Like for example, the fact that famed Hot Dad Chris Argent is totally Ser Jorah from Game of Thrones. How had I not noticed this before?? Badass fight skills! Unabashed love of the Matriarchy! Facial scruff! Sad puppy emotions! Unfailing loyalty! Hot Dadness! It's all so clear to me now. SER JORAH: WEREWOLF HUNTER.

Chris Argent's role in this episode was particularly beautiful because it really highlighted how stupid everyone else is. Ditto Allison, to be honest. One of the best moments in "Chaos Rising" was when, after Derek, Stiles and Scott had spent 12 hours frantically trying to figure out how to break into a derelict bank vault, Allison just walked through the fucking door. ARGENTS. THEY'RE JUST SO COMPETENT. Meanwhile Derek, Isaac and Scott stand around like the male models in Zoolander, just before one of them lights a cigarette near a petrol pump and blows everyone to smithereens.

2. Ms Blake
Or, as Jackie called her, Jenny Calendar from Buffy the Vampier Slayer. I loved Ms Blake in this episode, for similar reasons to why I love Pepper Potts. Never mind the fact that her reasons for actually being there (working really late at the school?? Fetching paper from a poorly-lit boiler room, because a damp underground cavern is a good place to store office supplies??) were kind of dubious.

Female characters are often perceived as being one of two extremes: total badass, or total damsel. If you're fearless and able to kick everyone's ass, that's awesome. But if you're not like that, then you must be pathetic. I always found it pretty weird that some people saw Pepper Potts as somehow "weak", just because she wasn't Lara Croft, and I feel like Ms Black may fall into the same category. I liked the fact that she was clearly shit-scared to be down in that basement, because that was a completely realistic reaction to the situation. Much like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Teen Wolf strikes a good balance between "tough" characters (ie, werewolves; people like Allison who have actually had training), and people for whom it makes perfect sense to be scared when a fanged hellbeast is coming at you in an enclosed space.
I've already received a message from someone asking if I thought the Derek/Ms Blake undertones were poorly handled, but honestly I thought it was great? It made sense for Derek to stay with her while Isaac and Scott took care of Cora and Boyd. Derek was probably too weak to carry a body very quickly, but also Isaac and Scott are both students. This way, Ms Blake wouldn't have to learn their secret. Plus -- and this is just a personal theory -- I think seeing Ms Blake was almost like a reward for Derek? Not in the sense that "Ms Blake is a reward", because that trope is THE WORST, but more because it's so rare for Derek to a) successfully do a good thing, and b) see actual real-life proof that he's helped someone. He went into that basement expecting to either die, kill his sister, or both, so seeing Ms Blake alive and relatively calm was a near-unique example of a Nice Things Happening To Derek Hale.
Re: shipping it, I admit I'm already intrigued by the possibility of a Derek/Ms Blake relaysh, not least because she's an older woman. Was Kate Argent one of Derek's teachers while they were having their affair, or is that just a fandom thing? Either way, it adds different connotations to the Derek/Ms Blake dynamic than if they were the same age -- or if Derek had a different history. But Ms Blake seems classy and nice, and Derek needs some of that in his life (not to mention, adult companionship other than his psychotic undead uncle). Who cares if the first time she laid eyes on him, he was covered in blood and they were locked in an unlit boiler room? In Beacon Hills, that's practically a meet-cute!

3. Derek Hale's never-ending agony.

"LOL." -- Jeff Davis.

Derek and Scott were pretty much equal when it came to tragic stupidity in this episode, but at least they seemed very, very aware of it all the way through. Scott's high point was when he emotionally manipulated Chris Argent into helping them, whereas Derek's finest achievement was... not killing his sister? Probably? God. That guy's life really sucks.

GIFs via the Teen Wolf Tumblr.

4. Stiles Stilinski's enormous bambi eyes, glistening with unshed tears.
Also: imagine a show where Allison, Chris and Stiles all worked together in a well-organised team. EVERYONE'S PROBLEMS WOULD BE SOLVED. Although I can't help thinking about how hilarious it would've been if all those murders had nothing to do with virginity. GUYS, STILES' LINE OF QUESTIONING IN THAT HOSPITAL ROOM WAS SO SKETCH. "So, traumatised girl... why were you camping out in the forest with your girlfriend? Nothing weird, my dad's totally a cop. He asks this kind of questions all the time." STILES.

5. Isaac Lahey.
Isaac Lahey's face. Isaac Lahey's snood. Every line of dialogue spoken by Isaac Lahey. ALL OF WHICH IS MADE DOUBLY HILARIOUS by the fact that his characterisation is just allll over the place. Like, some stuff can (I GUESS) be explained away by the fact that he's a traumatised 17-year-old who lives in the a giant, echoing Gotham City apartment with an even more traumatised 24-year-old who bit him and turned him into a monster, but, like... no.
Morgan and I were continuously dying of Isaac all the way through Fireflies because remember when he was a tearful, confused child whose father locked him in a refrigerator?? Remember when he was a stone cold psycho at the end of season 2?? Remember when he was adorable and kind of crushing on Scott?? Remember in this episode, when he was a bitchy sassbasket and wore a stylish hipster snood while out on a fun murder trip to the forest?? REMEMBER HOW ALL OF THOSE ARE THE SAME PERSON? He's just a multifaceted guy, I guess. 

6. Lydia
Someone fetch me a stiff drink. Every time I think about Lydia, I fall into a pit of despair. WHY CAN'T NICE THINGS HAPPEN TO HER. WHY IS NO ONE HELPING HER WHEN SHE'S CLEARLY HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. Why doesn't she take off her 4-inch stiletto heels when standing next to a corpse-garnished swimming pool in the middle of the night.

Sterek Rating: x/10 (No interactions.)
Shirtlessness: A shocking ZERO occurences.
Snoodwatch 2013: 8/10. A very impressive showing, but it's always important to strive for improvement.
Dylan O'Brien EGOT alert level: Off the charts, as per usual.

Thought for the week: I still yearn for someone to explain the logistics werewolf facial hair. WHY NO HEAD HAIR ON BALD BOYD? WHY NO MOUSTACHES ON ANYONE, EVER? Does Cora have tons of hair extensions IRL, or is that a werewolf transformation thing? And where does everyone's hair go when they turn back into humans? Does it get sucked back into their follicles?? A mystery for the ages. 

 Previously on Teen Wolf. 

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Man-Child of Steel.

This isn't gonna be a review so much as a written depiction of my gradual descent into a nervous breakdown while watching Man of Steel -- an experience I shared with the two five-year-olds sitting in the row in front of me. Definitely introduce your children to Superman via this movie, because it contains all sorts of child-friendly features! Such as a childbirth scene, Superman snapping a dude's neck in the middle of the vaporized ruins of Metropolis, and a complete lack of humour or a sense of fun. (HAHAHA NO SPOILERS THOUGH LOL no.)

Everyone spends the entire time stating the obvious. I'm not joking. 80% of the dialogue in this movie is like a masterclass in how to break the first law of writing: "Show, Don't Tell". Before anyone does anything, they tell everyone what they're about to do. And once they've done it, someone else explains what just happened. Sample scene:

"I'm very strong, and have no morals!" growled Zod. "I don't care about anything except Krypton!"

"But I will stop you," Superman replied. "Because I grew up on Earth. I'm going to defeat you!"

Superman punched Zod. Zod punched Superman. "Oh my god!" screamed a nameless extra. "They just punched each other! They are both aliens!" 

"I hate both of them," said another extra. "Because aliens are a new and confusing thing, and we humans are afraid of things we don't understand."

Then a building fell and crushed all the extras, killing them and everyone they knew. Sadly, Superman did not know or care about this, because he was busy listening to someone explain why Zod was a very dangerous man who needed to be stopped.

The worst part was that it wasn't even expository dialogue. It was completely unnecessary, because even the traumatised five-year-olds in the audience could understand that the bad guys were evil murderers, and the big scary spaceship was dangerous. I'd like to imagine that this was an homage to vintage comics when everyone explained everything in their speech bubbles, to make up for the limitations of having to tell an awesome superhero story in eight pages and three colours. But no. It was just deeply, deeply stupid dialogue. 

Superman has no personality. The two things you need to know about Superman's origins in this movie are as follows:

1. He's the first natural-born Kryptonian in centuries, and therefore the only Kryptonian who isn't genetically engineered to play a specific role in society. In other words, his parents created him as an avatar of free will.
2. On Earth, his purpose is to be a leader and a role-model to humans.

Man of Steel's Superman is even more Jesus-y than usual, to the extent that it gets kind of embarrassing. Like in the scene where he (INEXPLICABLY) goes to a priest for advice, and there's a giant glowing Jesus right behind him. Or when he floats into space in the shape of a Crucifix. Of course, it isn't really a problem for Superman to be Jesus-y, because that's kind of his thing. It's more that they really, really don't need to hammer the point home like that. WE KNOW. WE KNOW HE'S JESUS. HIS FATHER SENT HIM TO EARTH TO SAVE US AND TEACH US A BETTER WAY OF LIVING. PLEASE STOP POINTING IT OUT. Particularly since, while there are a whole bunch of allusions to Jesus, Superman's behaviour isn't terribly godlike. Like that one time he kills a guy. Or obliterates half of Metropolis while needlessly fighting Zod. Or fails to make any life choices for himself, like an adult.

In Man of Steel, Clark Kent is a likeable enough guy, but he really... doesn't... do anything. For a bastion of free will and leadership, he sure doesn't make very many decisions. Or even give the impression of thinking about anything at all. Instead, he passively does what other people tell him to do. As a child he takes Jonathan Kent's advice and as an adult he takes Jor-El's advice, but at no point does he ever formulate his own moral code or mission for life. He's a Super Man-Child.

As an origin story, Man of Steel is total garbage because there is just no character development at all. Instead of actively rebelling against Jonathan Kent -- or, indeed, going the "I don't want to be a hero" route and then changing his mind, like Peter Parker -- his journey from "nice young guy with a secret" to "nice young alien alien superhero with a secret" is smooth and conflict-free. Even his anonymous gap-year (with obligatory cameos from Angst Beard and Blue-Collar Job) is free from the kind of learning experiences we see in the Wolverine and Batman movies. In a film where so much emphasis is put on the role of free will, he comes across as a bizarrely passive protagonist.

Krypton makes no sense. Even taking into account the fact that Krypton is a decaying society run by traditionalist morons, it's still difficult to understand why anything is the way it is. Yeah, the Vulcan high council has mined the planet's core to the extent that it blows up and kills everyone, but how... does all the genetic engineering stuff work? Like, if you're gonna design some people to be worker ants and some to be soldiers, why would you engineer the soldiers to be immoral, psychopathic killing machines? Wouldn't it make more sense for soldiers to be tactical, logical and highly moral, so as to avoid, you know, highly-trained killing sprees? Also, WHY DOES KRYPTON EVEN HAVE A MILITARY? They're ruled by a single government, apparently have no outside enemies, and their empire is shrinking inwards rather than expanding. I DON'T UNDERSTAAAAND.

Genetically engineeried predestination is something that works as a science-fiction thought experiment, but is absolute trash garbage if you try to apply it to a real-world setting -- even if the "real world" is an alien planet. It could probably work if the genetically engineered people were a downtrodden underclass, but if they're leaders, scientists, warriors? THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN. Not unless you actually removed everyone's free will, which just... wouldn't work. That's not a thing you could do, and still turn out characters like Zod, Jor-El, Lara, and the councillors. Instead you'd have a race of mindless slaves, run by genetically engineered "wise overlords", which is patently not the case here, because all the people in charge are idiots. Man of Steel's Krypton was a poorly-organised, science-phobic Avatar/Vulcan crossover planet that nobody ever wanted or asked for.

Even Kryptonian designs don't make any sense. Lara wears a flowing medieval gown at all times, including during childbirth. Everything everywhere is made from polished marble, and looks about as comfortable as a refrigerator. The only way to access stuff on the space ships is by plugging in a USB stick. And don't even get me started on the Kryptonian military armour, which is covered in about 400 extraneous spines that will catch on literally everything and turn the wearer into one of those deer who get their antlers caught in a tree and then die of starvation.

Most noticeably, the armour has a weird, rigid collar that makes it impossible for anyone to comfortably turn their heads. I'm pretty sure the reason why the Jor-El/Zod fight scene at the beginning had such shaky cinematography was because if they zoomed out and focussed properly, we'd be able to see that the actors could barely move in that armour.

The fight scenes are nonsense. All superhero movies have to end in a big fight scene, so it's easy to fall into the trap of just escalating a bunch of explosions until you reach the end. So while I do enjoy action movies, I tend to find "final battle" scenes in superhero movies to be pretty dull -- with the exception of The Avengers. The final battle in the Avengers went on for half an hour but was still entertaining because each of the characters had an interesting role to play, and it was full of jokes and snappy dialogue. Unfortunately, there are no jokes or snappy dialogue in the entirety of Man of steel, never mind the fight scenes.
Logistically speaking, the extended final battle sequence in this movie made no sense at all. From an ethical and strategic standpoint, every one of Superman's decisions were a nightmare. Most of the fights took place in heavily populated areas and he made no attempt to, you know, fly Zod out into the desert or something, where he couldn't raze any more skyscrapers to the ground. Seriously. SO MANY PEOPLE DIED IN THIS MOVIE. And in really unnecessary ways.

Spider-Man and The Avengers both have major fight scenes in inner-city areas, but that's because Spider-Man and the Avengers have to defend the city. Superman is in the unique position of being powerful enough to at least try to move the fight somewhere safer, like space, or the middle of the ocean. In Man of Steel, Superman is fighting Zod because... well, Zod Is Bad. So they have to punch each other a lot. But once the spaceship has been destroyed, there's definitely no good reason why they'd still be fighting in the middle of the city. So why do they keep going? For hours and hours? Sorry, Metropolis. RIP.

For a guy who usually seems ridiculously nice and caring (Henry Caville's Superman is great boyfriend material, if you overlook the part where he snapped a guy's neck), he is oddly callous about the vast number of civilians who die during the course of this movie. As are the audience, because the film never makes an effort to illustrate the real, human casualties of Zod's attack. Instead, characters just sort of... talk about it. Because that's what people do in this movie. They tell each other really obvious things, but totally fail to illustrate or express anything on a deeper level. Which is more or less the opposite of what you want to be doing when you make a film.

Man of Steel is far from groundbreaking, but the movie it most reminded me of was Thor. A really, really bad version of Thor. In Thor, the main character goes through some awesome character development, changing from a well-meaning spoiled brat into a sensible, adult warrior. In Man of Steel, Superman is sent to Earth by his father (like Thor) and ends up fighting people from his home planet on the streets of smalltown America (like Thor), but there the resemblance ends. We never see him struggle with his heritage, and he never really learns anything or comes up against a challenge more complicated than the physical fight between him and Zod. The whole thing was framed as a serious, grittier version of Superman, but in the end it far less intelligent and emotionally complex than the "lighter" movies of the '70s.
To cap off this semi-coherent rant, I thought I'd mention that there were a couple of things I did like. In no particular order:

1. Lois Lane. SHE WAS AWESOME. I can't believe that Zach Snyder and Chris Nolan teamed up to create a movie starring a dynamic, interesting female character in one of the lead roles.
2. Perry White.
3. The hilarious casting of about a million "hey, it's that guy!" actors from Battlestar Galactica, The West Wing, Dollhouse, etc. 
4. Jor-El's Kryptonian dragon thing. Really, just Jor-El in general. Is Russell Crowe's new hobby just taking roles where he's unintentionally hilarious all the way through? My favourite part was when he was pointing out directions to Lois by materialising in front of her every five steps. How was it that "Jor-El is a holagram" was instantly understood by everyone, but things like "We're in danger because someone is shooting at us!" had to be loudly and repeatedly explained by multiple people all the way through??
5. The final scene where Lois says "Welcome to the Planet", ie the only funny or charming line in the entire movie.
6. The fact that we now know that as well as traditionally using his baby blanket as a cape, Superman actually IS fighting in his underwear. Because that whole body-suit thing is literally Kryptonian underwear. 

Postscript: Most unintentionally funny moment in the movie: When, standing in the ruins of central Metropolis, surrounded by (presumably) the corpses of thousands of civilians crushed by buildings needlessly destroyed by Superman and Zod, someone stood up and said loudly, "He saved us!"

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Teen Wolf: Chaos Rising.

Previously on Teen Wolf: Tattoo.

Character 1: I just had a really terrible idea.
Character 2: Great! Let's do it!

-- Teen Wolf

On the bright side, this episode showed us that most of Teen Wolf's main characters are learning from past mistakes. I say "bright side" because as always, everything in Beacon Hills is terrible.

The main thing Allison has learned is how to be genre-savvy about living in a horror movie. Like for example, if the bruise on your arm looks like a mysterious symbol? Chances are it's a mysterious symbol. Lydia is doubtful, but that's mainly because she's a very rational person, and isn't used to the kind of gut feelings that Allison, Stiles and Scott have honed after two seasons of exposure to weird supernatural bullshit. Too bad Derek doesn't listen to Allison -- he's the one character who NEVER LEARNS, both in this episode and in general. Which is probably because he's a 50/50 split between "traumatised teenage boy" and "30-year-old hardened criminal": he never got a chance to, you know, learn how to think things through and make sensible decisions like a real adult. More on that later.

Scott and Stiles' party scene is extremely important because SHANTAL RHODES. Shantal is living the good life, somehow managing to go to teen parties in Beacon Hills and not get involved in any werewolf gang wars. I think she must go to the "other school" (the source of Stiles' new love-interest, Heather), which is presumably where all the human, relatively teenage-looking teens hang out. Anyhow, she and Heather are awesome, and have one of those rare teen TV show sex talks that bridges the gap between "ridiculous sex fantasy" and "actually kinda realistic".

Too bad Heather immediately gets punished, horror movie style, for wanting to lose her virginity. Out the window she goes! Interesting fact: this is actually what happens if you break your Silver Ring Thing chastity pledge. Invisible demons show up, fling broken glass at you, and drag you directly to Hell. NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. Poor Heather. Meanwhile, I'm screaming into the void because Stiles has just told her that he hasn't turned 17 yet. STILES? IS? STILL? SIXTEEN??? Tumblrites: You're all going to jail.
I'm pretty excited that we get to see Derek's new loft in this episode. Despite the fact that it's ostensibly an actual apartment with furniture and running water and everything, it's almost less realistic than when he was living in the burnt-out shell of his family home, or on the mysterious (but similarly charred) subway-car-without-a-subway. Continuing with Beacon Hills' ability to simultaneously be a sleepy Californian town and a sprawling haven of urban menace and a dangerous supernatural forest, Derek's loft looks like it's located in either Gotham City or a post-apocalyptic steampunk video game.
Later in the episode Peter Hale makes fun of Stiles for assuming he lives in an underground werewolf cavern rather than "an apartment downtown, duhhh", but honestly, is that even fair? Especially since in this very episode, we learn that the Alpha Pack are chillaxing in an abandoned bank vault made from inexplicable werewolf kryptonite, with a corpse propped up in the corner. Also, Peter, if you're gonna try to raise the profile of werewolves are normal people, getting an apartment is the least of your worries. Maybe try to stop kidnapping innocent teenagers, or seeming 100% Hannibal Lecter whenever you talk to anyone.
That being said: gotta love Peter Hale. When he strolls into Derek's inconceivably gigantic aircraft hangar of a loft apartment, he's accompanied by an instantaneous KAPOW of guitar riffs. I'm pretty sure that's the actual real sound he makes when he walks into a room. "Boys," he smirks, flinging his leather jacket onto Derek's steampunk hat-stand. "What the Hale is going on here? Don't all take your shirts off at once." (Side note: what happens when Peter Hale and Deucalion inevitably meet? Do two become one??)
Back at school, Scott and Stiles are attending METAPHOR CLASS. The three classes we always see in teen TV shows are as follows: 1) that one bio class where you have to dissect a frog, 2) analysing a novel that has huge significance to the show's plot and the emotional journey of the main characters, and 3) nonspecific metaphor class -- in this case a business lesson where Scott has to decide between hard work or taking the easy road. The most important thing here is that the class is taught by Finstock, ie Jeff Davis' crowning glory when it comes to totally fuckin' weird side-characters. Meanwhile in the library, 27-year-old high school juniors Allison and Lydia are checking out two 23-year-old high school freshmen. Also, in a moment of stark realism, Allison uses a butcher's apostrophe when looking up a Mysterious Symbol Clue. Luckily she isn't using Google, so at least the NSA won't know about it.

"logo's"

Chaos Rising was particularly exciting for me because we got a whoooole bunch of Deaton. Deaton originally struck me as being rather bland, partly because he's been landed with the unenviable role of playing distant-yet-helpful mentor figure to a bunch of people who don't want him to be their mentor. Also, half of Teen Wolf's storylines would collapse if he was always around to explain what's going on. However, as soon as you realise that Deaton is kind of a troll? All this shit becomes awesome. He's like the Peter Hale of people who actually have a moral centre.
This week on Deaton's Puppy Sanctuary for Troubled Teens, he decided to reenact the scene from Inception where Leonardo DiCaprio bursts out of a bathtub full of water. Except instead of using a PASIV device to access Isaac's memories, they're just gonna refrigerate him like a giant margarita until he goes into a "trancelike state". On the bright side, Isaac is a pre-Raphaelite beauty, so he looks great while they're doing it. If you plopped me into a bucket of ice water, I'd probably turn bright purple and then throw up on your shoes. Isaac Lahey, however, has creamy skin, inch-long eyelashes, and generally looks like a cherub. Additionally, we're now two-for-two on scenes where Isaac is in agonising pain for no good reason. Teen Wolf knows its audience, and Isaac Lahey turns most of us into serial killers, whispering "You're beautiful when you cry" into one of his pale, shell-like ears. (BRB, going to jail.)

OK, now for the serious shit. I was hoping for an actual heist scene where Derek and Scott rappelled down into the bank vault, but for obvious reasons (the fact that each episode of Teen Wolf is filmed in 4 days on a budget of $12 and some energy drinks), we only got to see Derek punch his way through a cardboard wall. Which happens maybe twice per episode anyway. But once we're in there? HOLY SHITTTTTT. First of all, we actually got to see Erica's corpse, which was beyond horrifying -- particularly for Allison. But mostly? CORA!!

Ever since we learned that All Of Dereks' Family Are Dead™, I've been waiting for one of his dead relatives to show up. Of course, it's never gonna be a happy ending. In shows like this they always turn out to be a shapeshifter, a hallucination, or an evil clone. In this case... well, we don't really know yet. But Derek's already had to fight her, and she's now run off to god know's where, to maul some innocent bystanders (if there are even any of those left in Beacon Hills). Whatever happens, it's 100% agony because even though Derek is a proven idiot and occasionally an accidental moral sinkhole ("I'LL JUST PUNCH MY WAY THROUGH IT," he growls, glowering at a crowd of civilians, a pile of rubble, and a dumpster. "I'M THE ALPHA."), he doesn't deserve this kind of emotional torment. First his sister is given back to him, then she's torn away again, and I can only assume Jeff Davis is going to vomit up some further horrors for them later in the season. Don't kill her off!! Just let Cora and Derek move into a nice suburban house and go to therapy! THERAPY!!

I mentioned earlier that this episode was partly about how much everyone has learned. Well, Derek has learned nothingggggg. While part of Scott's season 3 makeover is a newfound ability to strategise ("Maybe we should find out what's going on before we climb into an underground full of werewolves??" he wonders. "NO," Derek replies through clenched fangs. "PUNCH THROUGH WALL."), Derek's self-destructive streak is reaching Harry Potter levels of bad decision-making. Presumably next week will see him locking himself in an enclosed space with his rabid sister, out of sheer desperation. Meanwhile outside, Scott phones Stiles: "Maybe we should Google something?" he says, wondering if they should take Cora to a medical professional rather than tying her to a plank of wood in Derek's kitchen. "Or make a plan??" Well done, Scott. Well done, Allison. Well done everyone except Derek, pretty much. For god's sake, somebody just give him a hug.

Miscellaneous

• Ms Morrell is hanging out with Deucalion?? Is she undercover?? I DON'T KNOW IF I EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS. There are so many characters now that I barely even recognised her when she first came onscreen. Same with Cora, who I briefly mistook for Allison. This is the eternal Teen Wolf problem: everyone is so good-looking and symmetrical that sometimes I can't actually tell them apart. Whatever happens, I'm still holding out for the big reveal that she's still Kendra the Vampire Slayer, and The Girl from 3x01 is her apprentice. 
• I can only assume that the Celtic knotwork symbol on Allison's coffee cup will come back to haunt us. Everything is a symbol!! Everything is meaningful!! Beacon Hills' Generic Starbucks knock-off is a haven for demonic forces!!
• Someone needs to make a montage of all the times the camera swoops down to hip level for a shot of a character revealing their Werewolf Manicure.
• I saw a great Tumblr theory that all the school-age characters who look 25 (DANNY) are actually undercover cops. Now I'm imagining a Danny/Ethan relaysh like Maebe's love-interest in the new season of Arrested Development, where she thinks she's dating an undercover cop in a highschool, but really he's just an over-developed 16-year-old. You know you want it, Internet.

 Previously on Teen Wolf. 

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Teen Wolf: Tattoo.

Previously: Teen Wolf 101: An introduction to the eighth wonder of our world.

Welcome to Teen Wolf! The show where the shirts are off, and the pants don't matter. Last year's season finale saw about 9000 things happen, including one character stripping naked and turning into a lizard, and Evil Grandpa Argent roaring "MOUNTAIN ASSHHHH!!" in one of the most magnificent line-deliveries in TV history. What a masterpiece. (Teen Wolf showrunner recently described this episode as a "clusterfuck", but let's not dwell on the past.) I could recap all that stuff for you, but it'd require too much googling, so let's just watch that MOUNTAIN ASHHH clip again, shall we? OK. You're ready.

Season 3 opens with a subject close to all our hearts: curly-haired cuteboy waif Isaac clutching onto someone dear life. This time round, it's a badass lady with a motorcycle and a dubiously plausible lightning taser gun. "Into every generation, a slayer is born," she explains, back-flipping off a burning building onto her motorcycle. "She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness." OK, I kid, but seriously. She's awesome. Plus, she shares a gloriously ridiculous new plot point: Some alphas can steal your memories just by touching you, because what Teen Wolf really needs is a magical amnesia subplot. But apparently that isn't enough, because she immediately moves on to introduce the latest male models to join Teen Wolf's cast of top-tier ab-actors (abtors?). These guys were cast via an open call from (I kid you not) TeenWolfTwins.com, and they rip their shirts off within five minutes of appearing onscreen.

Actually, to be 100% accurate, they rip their leather jackets off to reveal precisely zero shirts underneath. This actually makes a lot of logical TV sense because they then glue their torsoes together to make a kind of Alpha Werewolf Megazord. A legit reason for shirtlessness! Thanks, science! BUT WAIT. What happened to the pants? Were they just kinda sucked into the double-werewolf icecream swirl, like how the Animorphs could always turn into animals without taking off their clothes? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PANTS.
I'm a big fan of the ~hidden meanings~ in the Teen Wolf intro, so I'm 100% ready to hear fandom's theories about the new changes. Shirtless Derek is still shaking off the powdery ashes of his dead family and Stiles is still just kinda standing around, but there are a couple of major alterations. Firstly, Jackson is gone (to "London" -- AKA a lucrative recurring role on the CW's Arrow, where he and John Barrowman are now BFFs), and Lydia's intro now includes her being split in two, which is certain to be ~meaningful. Also, Scott levitates, a hand bursts out of a grave (that classic staple of the horror genre) and the sequence ends with a (MOUNTAIN ASH?) tree. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?? Answers on a postcard, please.

Teen Wolf is one of those shows that definitely improves once you know something about the cast and crew. For example, Stiles and Scott's conversation about Scott's new tattoo seems a lot like something Dylan O'Brien and Tyler Posey would say in real life. "Don't you think your first tattoo should, like, mean something?" asks Stiles/Dylan, CROL-ing silently as Scott/Tyler reveals his new tattoo of... two black stripes across his arm. "No, I just like it," is the answer. To be honest, I'm with Scott on this one. Any tattoo idea that seems meaningful at age 18 is definitely gonna be an enormous embarrassment in later life. Best to just stick with your minimalist black stripes. Which turned out to be a more meaningful choice than Tyler Posey ever suspected, since Jeff Davis decided to write the tattoos into the show, imbuing them with some kind of ~mystical symbolism.
Conveniently, the teen show genre includes a ready-made explanation for the chronological gap between seasons: school holidays! What have you been doing for the past four months, Allison? Oh, I've been in France. (Beacon Hills' summer break is apparently four months long, perhaps to balance out the school's intensive curriculum of lacrosse games, teen romance, and dramatic showdowns in the boys' locker room.) And what have you been up to, Lydia? Just making the most of living in a town populated by Calvin Klein underwear models, no biggie. "Freshmen," she purrs at Allison, as they return to school. "Fresh... Men." Because in addition to the existence of werewolves, Teen Wolf's fictional universe features 14-year-old boys who look like ripped 23-year-olds. Just go with it.

"Lydia, they're fourteen." (source: mamagwendo.)

This episode was very light on Stiles, which I think was a smart decision. Stiles is enormously popular, but that doesn't necessarily mean he deserves a great deal more screentime. The structure of the show still relies on Scott being the main character, and too much Stiles might have been overpowering for the introductory episode of a new season. Instead, Tattoo focuses on Scott's summer vacation makeover, a wise choice because he ended season 2 by acting like an utter bag of dicks. Thankfully he's a teenager, so poor decisions and abrupt personality changes can be explained away, more or less.

One of Teen Wolf's most impressive feats is making us like Scott McCall, a character who might otherwise have been one of those bland leading men surrounded by a supporting cast of more interesting characters. In Season 1 I might have been bored by a Scott-centric episode like this, but now I'm totally into it because Scott's Word of the Day calendar? ADORABLE. Luv ur face, Tyler Posey.
If I'm gonna be irritated by any Scott-related development, it's the implication that he's somehow important to the alpha pack. One of the things I really appreciate about this show is the lack of "destiny" vibes. Like, Scott McCall isn't the Chosen One: he's just a guy who was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and now has to deal with the consequences. If they introduce some kind of plotline where he's prophecied to be the enemy of the Alpha Pack, I won't be happy. While I do love Hero's Journey stories like Buffy and Harry Potter, Teen Wolf is a refreshing change in that it's a story about normal people choosing to fight against chaos rather than heroic superhumans battling a sworn enemy because it's their Fate.

It's still unclear to me whether this episode's attitude to the Season 2 finale is "Let's pretend that never happened," or if there simply wasn't enough time to tackle it while introducing the Alpha Pack. The finale saw Scott betraying Derek in a pretty horrifying way, but this season Derek has either forgiven him... or he's so beaten down by the horrors of life that he just doesn't care any more. At the moment I'm leaning towards the latter, because Derek's kind of a slow-burner. At first you think he's just this tall-dark-handsome loner who only has one facial expression, but the more you watch, the more you realise that he's being slowly crushed by the weight of years of trauma. Derek's newfound "This is my problem," attitude doesn't so much seem like he's protecting Scott, but rather that he's just given up on trusting him.

Miscellaneous thoughts.

• Sterek rating: 2/10. Sorry, shippers. 
• I'm already super into the animal-related Signs and Portents. But if they mean Lydia's gonna go through even more agony then I already need pre-therapy to prepare me for that shit. I LOVE YOU, LYDIA. 
• Luv that Beacon Hills includes what seems to be several square miles of deserted and poorly-lit industrial warehouses. Can someone please draw a map of that town? HERE is the abandoned subway car where Derek used to live, despite the fact that the town has no subway. HERE is the tattoo parlour and the gay bar where Jackson turned into a lizard. HERE is the giant, mysterious forest that is somehow right next to the school but also miles out of town, depending on the episode. HERE is the Sheriff's office where every single deputy was viciously murdered four months ago.
• Does Sheriff Stilinski really not know about werewolves, even though Mrs McCall found out last season? Did I miss something?? IS HE JUST TROLLING EVERYONE NOW?
• I've listened to this song like 500 times already today. It's almost like this show is on... MTV... 
• Isaac's douchey surgeon was one of my favourite moments of the episode. Jeff Davis is brilliant at writing these weird, memorable little one-shot characters, which always kinda puzzled me because Teen Wolf's main characters can often seem oddly lacking in background. Like, where are Lydia's parents while she's skipping the first day of school to have morning sex with some random body-builder? How did Derek Hale shower or get internet access when he was living in the burnt-out shell of his family home? Shhh, don't think about it.
• Glad to see that they're maintaining Derek's agonising combination of sassy one-liners and crippling survivor's guilt. I always got the distinct impression that if he wasn't constantly on the brink of emotional collapse, he'd be one of those guys who finds literally everything hilarious. "I need a favour," says Scott, which in Beacon Hills usually means disposing of a body. Happily, all Scott wants is some werewolf tattoo advice. "LOL," whispers the tiny corner of Derek's mind that isn't occupied by thoughts of his dead family and imminent werewolf territory disputes. "LOL," he thinks, mournfully. 

Previously on Teen Wolf. 

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