Resort 2013: J. Mendel, Balenciaga, Givenchy, and The Row (AKA the continuing mystery of the Olsen Twins).

Previously: A Beginner's Guide to Resort Season: Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein, Lanvin, and more.

J. Mendel
These translucent bandage-skirt dresses have been very popular recently, particularly on the red carpet, and mostly I think they look sort of terrible. Usually they tend to be coloured in either beige or black, with opaque areas around the hips that make the wearer look like they've put on granny panties and an underskirt but forgotten the rest of their outfit. HOWEVER. This season's J Mendel has (I think) managed to carry off the ethereal look, if only in the context of this photoshoot.

There's something delicate enough around the bodice and the general draping of this dress that makes it look like a ballet costume as opposed to the weird mess of net curtain that usually occurs with this kind of dress.

My main criticism of this collection is that it's so overtly geared towards the extremely thin. I enjoyed a surprising proportion of this show, particularly the shorter dresses, but I highly doubt that outfits such as these would look anywhere near as good on someone with any body fat.

I'm automatically in favour of anything that looks like power- dressing for a cold-hearted cyberpunk CEO, so I love this grey leather outfit. Charlize Theron's character in Prometheus definitely has this in her wardrobe for days when she needs to look extra badass and/or waterproof.

Balenciaga

Half of this collection was taken up by these strangely rigid summer dresses outfits that looked like they'd maybe been moulded out of solid plastic by Lego...

... and the other half included EXTERIOR BRAS. Like, yeah, OK, I can kind of get behind this look when it's Daenerys Targaryen's spangly Tattooine-city bodices in Game Of Thrones, but in real life? Not so much. Especially when it's this peculiar combination of 1940s grandmother pleat-front trousers, bland shirts, and stiff leather bustiers.

Carlos Miele
1960s Star Trek empress gown: LOVE IT. I hope someone wears one to the Oscars in the good ol' tradition of there always being a nominee who dresses like one of the statuettes for luck.

Givenchy
Successful pattern mixing: tricky, but doable. I wouldn't wear them (too fussy and too '70s), but I can't deny that these outfits are eye-catching and way more interesting than most Resort season efforts.

BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. Oh god, just get out. Every year someone tries to pull off pale-washed double-denim and every year I sink further into my swamp of despair because stop trying to make fetch happen, it's never going to happen. (In this case, "fetch" = "any and all attempts at horrible '90s-influenced denim outfits".)

On the whole I think that fashion "rules" are idiotic -- Who are you to tell me I can't wear brown shoes with black trousers, huh? Fight the man! -- but there is one rule that I hold to be true unto forever: Don't Double Denim. In fact, the only denim my own personal draconian law permits is in the form of jeans, jeans shorts, miniskirts, and possibly dungarees if you're really sure about it. No denim jackets. No quirky denim accessories. And for god's sake no denim dresses unless you're hell bent on looking like like Britney and JT circa that tragic period before Sexy was Brought Back.

The Row
The one thing you need to know about The Row is that it's run by the Olsen Twins. As long as you know this (and, I suppose, have some vague idea of what Mary Kate and Ashley look like) then you know what to expect: Granny Chic.

The baffling thing about this show in particular is that the extremely stylish Beatrix Ost was a guest of honour. So, while The Row basically models itself around the wardrobe of a septuagenarian who wears clothes with the same approximate shape and appeal as a potato sack, the septuagenarian they actually invite to the show is a sartorially adventurous woman who would probably never wear any of these clothes in real life. But then, I find the Olsens' fashion success in general to be rather puzzling, because while they do appear to be quite successful businesswomen I still can't quite work out who's buying their clothes. I know that a lot of young women do enjoy the Granny Chic look, but they usually overlap with the thriftstore crowd and therefore it seems unlikely that they'd be shelling out thousands of dollars for Olsen designs. Enquiring minds want to know!