Spring 2013 Menswear: Versace loves you.

I love Donatella Versace. Have you ever seen the Saturday Night Live sketches where she's followed everywhere by a crowds of semi-naked male models? I'm pretty sure that's some documentary-style accuracy right there. The theme of this show was pugilism, with most of the models decked out in a selection of tacky gold outfits that fell somewhere between sexxxy gladiator costumes and a Vegas backing-dancer version of boxing robes and prizefighter belts.

pics from Style.com

Before we go any further, I just gotta break it to you: If you don't appreciate the wonders of this show then we can't be friends. It's everything that's wonderful about the horrible sections of Milan menswear design! I mean, at one end of the Milan menswear scale you get the expertly-cut three-piece suits of the type one mostly sees being worn by 60-year-old men on The Sartorialist, but at the other end we have Versace, whose eternal motto seems to be "LESS SHIRT; MORE GOLD".

For the record, this collection is mostly swimwear. I don't know if that's an acceptable explanation for the sparkly harem pants or prizefighter belts, but it does at least legitimise Donatella's decision to expose maximum quantities of bronzed manflesh in the name of high-end fashion. I don't know what the market is for most of these pieces, but there's something glorious about the Versace ethos of supergluing fake gold onto everything and then laughing all the way to the bank. Some day a male Jennifer Lopez will appear and Versace Menswear will become mainstream. Some day, my brethren.

This is what would happen if Magic Mike had a baby with Gladiator and then dressed it up in leftovers from Joan Collins' accessory collection.

Wallet harness? OK. Honestly I love shit like this because I have a weakness for the less clockworky aspects of steampunk designs, plus strapping stuff to your body is way better than having to carry a bag around all the time. I don't know if wallet holsters are likely to catch on anytime soon, but to my eyes this looks totally reasonable, if a little shiny for most busineswear outfits.

I find it interesting that this menswear collection is so varied and interesting (and, yes, ridiculous, but that goes without saying) while Versace's recent relaunch of their womenswear couture line was so lacklustre. This is the kind of fun, eyecatching work Versace should be putting forward for their womenswear lines, not pale imitations of Lady Gaga stage outfits made from cheap-looking plastic fibres.

The shoes were the most obvious mixture of influences in the collection: a boxing boot crossed with gladiator sandals. I kinda love it, but not in a way that I think is... wearable. If you wear them with socks you look like a dweeb, but if you wear them without socks then... I don't even know, because men don't typically expose their toes to the world unless it's a billion degrees outside or they're at the beach, and hot-pink, calf-length boxing boots aren't really suitable for either of those situations.